In a nutshell, here is what it was:
The question was: "When I was 20, guys in their late 30s were mad for me. Now that I'm in my 30s, it's the 50-year-olds. I can't wait to see who I have to fend off when I'm 40."
Her answer: "The answer to who you'll have to fend off when you're 40 is … practically no one."
I wrote to her telling her that I thought she was off base, revealed my age, that I had dated younger men before I was married and that younger guys still come on with me. Whoa! I got an answer so fast it made my head spin.
HERE IS HER E-MAIL TO ME:
OK. You’re still sexy. Thank you for pointing out how awesome you are. I’m 50 and doing fine, thank you very much.That really lit my fire, because if there is one thing I do, it's to look at life with a light heart. If I make statements that I think are funny but could possibly be taken in the wrong way, I also qualify that I'm kidding, so the person on the other end knows.
What I seem to have gained and you have lost with age, however, is a sense of humor.
I WAS JOKING. Amy Dickinson
I immediately fired back an answer telling her that the point of my e-mail was not to broadcast how wonderful I am, but to let her know that she probably offended lots of women who may need something to bolster their confidence, not a statement like "practically no one." I asked why she couldn't have said something like "who knows...maybe the 30 year olds." That smacks of humor. Needless to say, I didn't get an answer .
Well, it tickled me no end today (June 17, 2010) to see her column. My sister alerted me to read it saying, "I guess you weren't the only one, Sis." It was immediately obvious I wasn't the only one who rattled her cage. I'll bet the first e-mail I got from her was a form e-mail that she sent to everyone who complained, or at least a version of it. Listen up, Amy! Judging by today's column, you DID insult a lot of women, but apparently all you're able to do is trot out that same "awesome" rant you used on me.
THE ITEM IN TODAY'S ASK AMY and it wasn't from me...
Dear Amy: I was seriously offended and disappointed by your response to "Experienced." When she wrote, "When I was 20, guys in their late 30s were mad for me. Now that I'm in my 30s, it's the 50-year-olds. I can't wait to see who I have to fend off when I'm 40," you replied, "The answer to who you'll have to fend off when you're 40 is … practically no one." Experienced may be fending off 20-year-olds when she is 40 for all that you know, especially since the "cougar" is now running rampant! I found this response to be mean and inconsiderate!
— Disappointed
AMY'S ANSWER
Dear Disappointed: Scores of angry "cougars" have pounced on me for my answer to "Experienced." All of these women want to assure me that age has only made them more awesome.
Ladies, I get it. I was making a joke. I may be the only middle-age woman who finds this "cougar" nonsense embarrassing.
<<<>>>
COME ON, AMY! Why don't you just admit that what you thought was funny wasn't very funny to the scores of women who sent you angry letters. You did insult them, plain and simple. According to your e-mail to me, you are 50. Are you not "awesome" enough for fellows in their twenties and thirties to give you admiring glances. I've seen your photo. You're a good looking woman, so are you too afraid of being labeled a "cougar" to look back? You know, you could just apologize and close the matter. IT WASN'T FUNNY.
What is embarrassing if an older woman is attracted to a younger man and vice versa? I know a very AWESOME couple who work with handicapped children and have improved the lives of thousands. After sixteen years of marriage they are still very much in love. WHOOPS. I forgot. She should be embarrassed. After all SHE IS SEVENTEEN YEARS OLDER THAN HIM. (Check out their website at http://www.valleyviewvaulters.com/
So, dear readers, that's my rant for today. Care to comment?
ARLISS
No, you're not alone. I didn't see the humor in 'Ask Amy's' initial reply, either. (I would have preferred to e-mail you this rather than post in public, but I did not see your e-mail address anywhere on your blog.)
ReplyDeleteI am a female who is in her late 30s. I blogged about Ask Amy's obnoxious age-related comments twice (I may delete those blog entries and maybe the entire blog at some point in the future, but for now, it is up, if you'd like to see it).
I dislike the 'cougar' trend for several reasons, but they're likely not the same reasons as "Ask Amy's."
I didn't like Ask Amy's attitude towards women over the age of 40. Amy's first response on the topic seemed to indicate or imply that women over the age of 40 are not attractive, and that men do not like them, which I find totally bizarre (and out of touch) given all the attention the media have been given to "cougars" in the past few years.
I see 40-somethings such as movie stars Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry and Demi Moore focused on, and drooled over, by every day men and the media as much I do the 20-something actress Megan Fox.
I don't have a problem with actor Hugh Jackman, and he's around 42 or 43 years old. Isn't Brad Pitt in his 40s now? George Clooney is in his 50s, I believe, and plenty of women think he's hot.
My suspicion is that most every day people are more open to what is considered beautiful and sexy, and it's the media (Hollywood, Madison Ave, etc) who keep giving the impression that only '20-something' is sexy or desirable because they almost always choose 20-something models for their advertisements. Maybe Ask Amy bought into that thinking (I mean, propaganda).
I thought that Amy's most recent response to this topic came across as a little insincere and sarcastic, as though she's not truly convinced that women age 40 and up are "awesome." It seemed like a condescending response, not a heart-felt one.
Ask Amy said, "I may be the only middle-age woman who finds this “cougar” nonsense embarrassing."
Well, so do I (I'm not sure if, in my late 30s, I'm considered "middle aged" or not, but yes, I find the 'cougar nonsense embarrassing.').
I find the cougar trend embarrassing, idiotic, a tad sleazy (yes, women over 40 are sexy, but not all are hyper-sexualized trollops who try to score with every 20 year old male they meet), and a host of other negative things, but I don't feel the need to insult women over the age of 40 (not even in a so-called 'joking' manner) to do so.
You are not alone with being repulsed by these particular 'Ask Amy' columns. I am glad you blogged about the topic; thank you!
Thanks for validating what I felt. I've received many, many e-mails saying just the same thing. As far as I'm concerned, it you're "pulling someone's leg," it's a good policy to let them know that.
ReplyDeleteI even got an e-mail from a few fellows who felt it very insulting. They said, as they are getting older, they find they are more attracted to women who can share their music and memories. One said there are so many "hot" women who are well past thirty.
ARLISS
I agree that Ask Amy's "joke" was a little less than clear. I'm college educated and no dummy, and it wasn't obvious to me her remark was intended to be "ha ha" funny. (Even if that was her intent, it was still in poor taste.)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad to hear that not all older guys are dying to date or marry 25 year old women.
I'm in my late 30s, have never been married (but would like to be). I don't look much different now than I did when I was in my late 20s, so I don't understand why my age would be considered a big deal to some people, if physical attractiveness is an issue.
Did you see today's (July 24, 2020) Ask Amy column? She published a letter from a 52 year old single guy, Kelly, who complains that women age 40+ are too picky.
Kelly concluded his letter to Amy by saying, "If women in their 40s would relax their “deal breakers,” they might find a man out there who cares for them."
And Ask Amy replied with saying, "Amen brother."
I'm rather astounded that only about a week after insulting a lot of women over age 40 (especially single ones), that she's now printing letters from disgruntled, 50-something single men who have a bone to pick with single 40-something ladies.
I'm guessing in the future we can expect to see more slights and insults against women who are over 40 in the "Ask Amy" column. (I really should stop reading her column, but my local paper doesn't have much else to read in the daily entertainment/living section.)